Figgens is a Whore
by RyleeBeth
Summary: Each one of them ended up in his office for a different reason, but they all ended up in a "heated sexual congress" with none other than Principal Figgens. Figgens/EVERYONE! Total crack fic. Not to be taken seriously!


_So, basically, this story is going to have a chapter for each person on the show having sex with, or at least making out with, Figgins. As said in the summary, this is not to be taken seriously. Rated T for sex, slash (I said each person), language, innuendo, and the possible ruining of your innocence. This chapter takes place right before Regionals. Oh, and I do not own Glee, it's characters, Jacob Black, or Teenage Dream by Katy Perry._

**Chapter One: Russell Fabray**

"Mr. Fabray, I must say that I'm surprised that you're here, but please, take a seat," greeted Principal Figgens tiredly. He hadn't slept at all the last night because his wife was bitching at him about how he never listened to her, and his daughter wouldn't stop playing Teenage Dream at an annoyingly loud volume. Damn teenage rebellion.

"Thank you. I'm here about Quinn Fabray," said Mr. Fabray as he slowly sunk into the chair in front of the weary principal's desk. Figgens couldn't help but notice how suave the younger man looked as he sat in the chair. What? Do you think his wife was having sex with him if she was bitching at him? No, he wasn't lucky enough to have that type of marriage.

"Your daughter?"

"That's exactly what I want to talk about with you."

"Forgive me, I'm confused."

He was also lost in those tortuously soulful blue eyes. That didn't make him gay did it? Of course not. Besides, Russell Fabray was a devout Christian; he would never go for any type of homosexual loving. Not that Figgens was interested in any of that…

"As you know, my daughter went and got knocked up. My wife, Judy and I have disowned her. She's now living with Mercedes Jones. I didn't even know that until I received a harassing phone call last night about how much of a bitch I was to her by Mrs. Jones. Anyways, I'm here to simply have my name taken off her emergency contact lists."

Poor Figgy. He should have known that Russell had a wife. Damn. Having babies a la carte didn't run in the family.

"Are you sure? This is a big decision Mr. Fabray."

"Don't question my judgment!"

So he was dominant and authoritative. What a turn on!

"Sorry, Sir. I'll take care of it right away."

"Good. The sooner you get something tough like that over with, the better."

"I know what you mean, but not in the sense that I would disown my own daughter."

Little did our favorite horny principal know, but sassiness made the man in front of him all types of horny.

"Are you giving me backsass, Figgy?"

"Y-yes, I am."

"Are you nervous?"

"Y-yes, I am."

"Is that all you're going to say?"

"Why do we have to talk?"

"I can't believe I'm actually about to do this."

"Do what?"

"Have sex with you. My wife and I haven't gone all the way in a _long_ time."

"Yeah, my wife and I haven't in-

Mr. Fabray crashed his lips onto Figgens' and all conversation was forgotten. Figgy, who happened to be quite bold, deepened the kiss and ran his hands through his new partner's hair. After a few minutes of making out, with tongue I might add, Russell yanked of Figgens' shirt. As it turns out, the seemingly placid principal was bisexual AND had several tattoos on his torso. Some of were unicorns, some were of flowers, and two ran parallel to the each other across his chest. One said Puckleberry for the Win in small print, and the other was a whopping TEAM JACOB.

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

"Oh, hey Judy."

"Is that your wife?" whispered Figgens.

"Yes, I'm his wife. I just came down here to tell you that we should give Quinnie another chance, but now you're cheating on me with HIM, that tattooed freak?"

"Baby, it ain't what it looks like."

"ARE YOU DRUNK?"

Dammit. Looks like poor Figgy couldn't score with a sober Christian dude.

_So, this was short because it was my first ever attempt at slash, and it's hard to get used to. Next chapter will be Tina, and then the next one will be Kurt. But after that, I'll go by request. Please review!_


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